He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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