what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I want a musical about memes.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
