i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
