i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
