I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
