I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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