id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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