How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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