dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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