Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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