happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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