Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
