he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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