They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
