I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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