I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
