So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
