Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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