dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
