Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
