i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
