after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
