Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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