you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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