im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
