I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
