I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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