Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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