home. puking in laundry basket.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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