Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
