This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize