i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
