guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize