even my farts smell like vagina
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
