When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
