I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
