3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I need to stop coming to work sober
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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