I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
