ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
