Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
