Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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