I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize