Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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