so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
