I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
