the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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