Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
