My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
