Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
