I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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