i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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