I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
