My liver just broke up with me...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
