She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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