is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
