I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
