i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
