Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
