you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there's paper in my vomit.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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